Sweet Transvestite.

In many ways, i'm like a Sweet Transvestite. Ok, not in the practical sense but in the emotional sense. Someone was right. I am in my own world sometimes, doing my own thing that I don't notice how people feel about me. I've always thought I read people quite well but turns out that I was wrong.

The paediatrics department just doesn't get me sometimes. I've never had any issues with adult Medicine. Some comments that some people make get to me. I dunno what I can do to make it better. How I behave and how I work, it just doesn't fit with the department.

So once again, I am somewhat depressed. Comments that they make. I really don't care about the comments at times but I sometimes wonder too much what they think of me. I can't believe I'm having to deal with such thoughts and emotions while working. Isn't it supposed to be fun? I hate it when things are not straightforward.

Such a frigid department. Such a cold department. I dunno if I could actually deal with such bullshit anymore. It's quite depressing.

Doesn't help that there some other issues I have to deal with internally as well.

Acapella

Gawd. I'm sitting here, almost bored to death. Starbucks on leave AND trying to study but fail.

Open Your Heart.

Leave just started. It's quite an amazing feeling till your successor phones you at 715am desperately asking you to mail him the team list. And then having to fetch both your sisters at 730am AND 830am out for work.

Leave hadn't even started and I was already tired. Decided to treat myself to shopping. Walked into Burberry and bought the first thing that caught my eye. I told myself I had to start big so that the rest wouldn't matter as much. Hit Fred Perry and the Zara sale next. Damn. My card cried out in pain.

But it's worth it. I felt better. Thinking of spending more. But I must save for the iPhone 4.0 and the damn iPad that looks so sexy, I HAVE to have it even though I don't need it.

Money problems.

Hello Seattle.

Owl City's album is really quite good. The correct blend of electronic, dance and melodies (with nice layering) for me. It really perks me up just listening to the tracks. Especially "Hello Seattle". Not the track with the lyrics but the instrumental one.

I think after 1 month of medicine, I'm kinda almost settling in. Almost. At least I'm not jaded as yet. Strangely, thinking through medical issues and considering the pros and cons is somewhat interesting. For me at least. That's why I like weekend rounds. I can round by myself (slowly I know, covering only a few before the registrar comes) and think through the issues and come up with a plan.

With those moments alone, there's no one there to judge you for thinking slowly and to pressure you. Makes my day when some of the decisions I make (put a KIV there cos humji) are actually right and I can happily cancel the KIV part. (:

Wish I had more study time to myself. I have almost zero motivation outside work hours. Haha (:

Ok. Enough about work. Just come home quickly.

Give Up That Funk.

What if.

The "What Ifs" of life will always come to plague you at least once. Was just wondering what would have happened if I didn't make certain choices or stuck with certain situations. One in particular and the Facebook news stream just jogged my memory.

Hmm.

Can't Touch This.

Random title but I was just listening to Artie go on. Heh.

Got an unexpected call from someone today and it made my day.

Can't wait for Wednesday!! (:

Safety Dance.

Been trying to do what Kevin did in Glee. It's quite difficult to follow without someone teaching you the steps. But I think I almost got the first part. (almost)

I'm such a Gleek.

The Climb.

Felt like an upslope when I first started. Don't know what to do, unsure of the system, unsure of what I can/cannot do. But it feels better now. Somehow, you are just more confident after performing certain tasks and getting affirmed. It's a good feeling when you pick up something that changes the patient's fate (whether good or bad).

Recently did that and now my patient has a poor prognosis. I feel sorry for him.

Now I am simply awaiting the coming of Wednesday 26 May 2010 6-9pm. Then cometh the HTC Desire.

Of course, your return is important as well.

My Love.

I'm addicted to your love. Seriously. I've never been so dependent on a feeling and a person before. It's weird. Just wanna let you know that.

I always tell you not to anticipate and worry about something that hasn't come but I'm guilty of doing that so often. I can't cope very well in new situations. I need familiarity and I find comfort in friends. I can do things alone. But not new things alone.

Some how, this feeling inside is still eating me inside out and it really kills me to feel this way. Pre-book-in, pre-call feeling. It really is horrid. The anticipation and suspense really kills me. I don't do well alone. Maybe that's why I always feel homesick overseas.

I find comfort in songs. But you've replaced my songs. Only you can truly comfort me.

Your Love Is My Drug.

I need your love now. Shit.

Never knew what pre-call blues felt like until now. It's not the hardwork that I'm afraid of but the fact that I'm fresh out of medical school with no practical knowledge whatsoever. Damn. I hope I know what to tmr.

Gives You Hell.

Just realized I haven't acknowledged this new phase of life. I was in Yosemite when I got news that I passed MBBS and I got accepted into the Paediatrics Residency in NUHS. I know I was supposed to be more excited but what I felt was mixture of excitement/relieve (more relieve than excitement). I think I was only happy for a split second. This proves my theory that I'm devoid of human emotion.

Anyways, as orientation, NUHS organized an OBS outing (2D1N) for bonding. I was seriously not looking forward to it. I don't like bonding sessions and I'm not the most sociable person around. I don't like meeting new people. Once again, not that I'm "dao" but just quite shy.

Back to OBS. The whole thing was surprisingly extremely exciting and fun. It was a very good experience. I am really quite glad I chose NUHS. The bonding/sense of belonging there was fostered quite quickly. The seniors were all so approachable and down to earth, it's quite amazing.

Express Yourself.

Glee is simply awesome. It introduces me to songs that I would otherwise have never listened to. Currently hooked on one of their songs "Express Yourself" a cover of Madonna. Seriously, the arrangement is awesome and really pays rather adequate tribute to Madonna. Googled the song after I heard it on Glee and realized that Madonna was 10x better 30 years ago.

Anyways, PGY-1/Housemanship/Internship is starting soon and I'm hoping to enjoy myself as much as possible. Went to the NUHS gym today and got my first real workout in the longest time. Felt good. Hopefully I ache tomorrow (:

When Love Takes Over.

Beautiful isn't it? This is a scene at the Castlerigg Stone Ring in the Lake District. Why aren't there such nice skies in Singapore?

Gonna miss the cold weather and low humidity of the UK. I've enjoyed myself but enough is enough. Back to my loved one(s) in Singapore. The grass is seriously greener on the other side. I've always thought how lovely it would be to study overseas. The weather, the culture, the ability to travel, the freedom. But I've never really considered the loneliness that you get. There's no family there for you and all your closest friends aren't an MRT/cab-ride away.

If This Isn't Love.

If this isn't love, tell me what it is?

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. I've been away from Singapore for about 9 days and already I'm missing home. Not the weather because the temperature over here is simply awesome.

Friends, better friends, you.

Missing the company of good friends. And when there's more time to yourself, you tend to think and ponder more about life. About how short it really is and that happiness is truly hard to find lest you're damn lucky. I guess I'm one of the lucky few, but still, there are some aspects in my life that I wish could be better. There isn't one day that passes that I don't think about it.

Well. "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need"

Post-Graduate Day 1: London

Day 1 after exams. Whisked away by my parents to UK so that we could reach in time for my sister's 21st Birthday. Didn't sleep much the night before. We had night of ALCOHOL at Wei Li's and it was good. But I was so tired, I died while watching some weird scary/comedy movie. Woke up at 6am and drove home with a croaky goodbye to WL and Saus.

Here we are at the DBS Treasures lounge. Didn't know my parents had such privileges. It was a cool place. It served breakfast, drinks and lunch.

This is the view from the Treasures lounge place.

My sister who's studying in York.

Happy to here. But not really happy you know? Somehow, the innocent happiness that I have experienced post-exams my whole life has finally run out. I've become this studying machine, half expecting more all the time.

All Right Now.

Hmm. MBBS is really just based on one's luck. Doesn't depend on how well you study or how hardworking you are. Damn. Damn.

But I'm still slogging my ass off.

Maybe This Time.

Maybe this time, I'll be lucky.

Currently panicking (and also not panicking) in the Yusof Ishak House student room. Where people study but make noise at the same time. Quite ideal for us when we need to practice speaking and examination. Heh.

OK. A short respite. Now back to studying.

Bad Habit.

Hmm. The paper I was most stressed about went ok. Basically, it was just 1st principles once again. Generalizations and non-specifics required. Whatever I studied didn't come out.

Now I'm feeling extremely slack and with a delusion of doing-well for the MCQs tmr.

It's My Life.

Exams are on now. Full steam ahead!

Just finished the 2nd of many many papers and I'm strangely quite calm, except for bouts and paroxysmal attacks of anxiety and stress. It's the stress that eats you up from inside that's the worst. Feelings of dread and what not. Impending doom.

But otherwise, all's well.

I had this strange thought during my essay papers on Tuesday. I looked at the question and was thinking of how to approach it and what exactly they wanted. Too many possibilities and permutations that I was wondering whether I should just leave the question blank and give up. Haha. Exam fatigue I think, and too early in the game!

Take A Bow.

Seems like I'm always the bad guy, not doing enough to meet the standards you have. Well, I'm trying. But one day, I'm gonna stop trying and yes, I will stop trying one day.

Dread and disappointment. That's all.

How It Feels To Fly.

Sometimes when you're tired, you get to thinking. Tired I was today, and thought I did.

But sometimes putting thoughts into words is difficult. Well, not sometimes. Most of the time. So I shall just put down a few key words that basically sums everything up.

Tired.

Useless.

Stupid.

Untalented.

Self-loathing.

Sweet Dreams.

It's frustrating. I don't know all the small details they ask for the MCQs and sometimes the essays. I THINK I can pass the long case but the written papers are just tragic.

Alone.

You don't know how long I have waited to touch your lips and hold you tight.

You don't know how long I have waited, and I was gonna tell you tonight.

Really awesome song, "Alone".

Dedicated to someone special (:

Bust A Move.

Currently at Starbucks chilling with Julius, colouring with our iPhones. Haha. This application is insane addictive.

Russian Roulette.

Damn. One of those nights. Having a headache from no sleep but can't sleep.

May It Be.

A fuck-day today. And not the enjoyable kind.

In Days of Yore..

Oh yeah, Happy Founder's Day ACS.

Who I Am.

Really addicted to the song Defying Gravity off the soundtrack of Wicked. It's lyrics are extremely meaningful and the melodies and harmonies are simple but awesome. Really like the version that Kurt and Lea sang (the Glee version).

I have to face it. I'm a GLeek (:

Jump.

Might as well jump. Might as well jump.

Since I have no chance of finishing studying EVER, I might as well... well, watch Glee.

Halo.

Someone randomly reading this blog has kinda sparked my interest in blogging once again. Ok. I'm actually falling back into my old ways of not studying and finding everything else interesting.

Studying was horrid today. Low mood, low motivation, feelings of desperation and frustration together with horror and stupidity. Sound familiar? After that, attempting the MCQ and realizing that you know shit. Shit shit shit.

Pardon my medical-jargon. (I say medical jargon because shit means shit when a doctor says shit to another doctor)

Toxic.

I'm being intoxicated. Slowly but surely dying the worst of deaths. The death by MBBS.

Things I'm thinking of right now: Asthma Control Test, GINA guidelines

Get Right.

I really dislike Chinese New Year. Period. I hate it. From relative visiting to the useless mundane questions that they ask you to make "conversation". Fake smiles, fake conversations.

No Air.

I'm kinda lost right now. I need to make a list. Don't know what I don't know, which is the worst thing.

And you not being here makes it all worse.

Defying Gravity

Lately, I've been getting the sense that M (shan't mention who or this person's relationship with me) has been giving me the cold shoulder. Don't know why M's doing this suddenly. I tried to put up with it and overcompensated by being friendlier but evidently, M's attitude is not going to change.

Well, I've decided that I don't care anymore. I kinda know why and it's something that we both can't agree on or compromise on. So, fuck it.